Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Catch up

Well, once again... I'm a terrible blogger. Lots has happened. Laney was born March 8th. Daddy went to heaven April 10th. Some of the best and worst days of my life. It was a lot to handle when Laney was only one month and 2 days old. God definitely gave me strength to get through the freshest days and nights of despair. God has somewhat glued me back together... but the scar will never be completely mended. It's like he used playdoh or paper mâché that keeps coming undone and only sticks for a little while before I fall completely to bits again.

Now it's July. My thoughts are still consumed of my Daddy. I constantly relive good moments in my mind that ultimately make me feel the immeasurable hole in my stomach, making me feel nauseous and crushed. Unfortunately every Saturday afternoon is not the same anymore.... that's the day of the week it happened. Pretty much every day is not the same... and it never will be. Grief is abhorrent and I hate it.

Now, on to Laney. She is beautiful. She is such a pleasant baby and I believe God gave her to us because he knew of His plan for my father. God knew the perfect timing for Daddy to become a grandpa... and of the incredible hope that Laney gives us during this time of agony. She is what keeps me going and I love her for more reasons than she will ever understand because of it.

Laney has the cutest most adorable voice and is really experimenting with making sounds. I love it. I look forward to her many "firsts". She has already rolled over from front to back and should be rolling the other way soon. She squeals with joy sometimes in a "laughing manor." My heart is warm because of her existence.

It's summertime. Since this summer is my first as a mommy, I don't sleep as late.... and I don't get to do whatever I want at the drop of a hat. That's ok. I have my Laneybug to make up for it. I went back to work for two weeks while my mom stayed with Laney. It was fun. Now I feel like I'm on maternity leave again. I really look forward to the weekends and nights when Jess is home with us. It's nice to have a partner in changing diapers and revolving around our little one.

I'm one lucky lady.